Everybody’s Equitable – AL East Preview

New York
2004: 101-61 (.623) Division Winner

It was another tough year for the Yankees, as the team could barely eek out 101 wins and failed yet again to win the World Series. Still reeling from the worst choke-job in modern sports history, the Yankees will struggle to win games in the first half of the season. Luckily, they’ll be able to maintain respectability against the likes of Tampa Bay and Toronto.

Finally, just after the All Star Break, Alex Rodriguez will get tired of people making fun of him and start putting up numbers at the hot corner that put Mike Schmidt and George Brett to shame. Unfortunately for the Yankees, Derek Jeter will still be playing shortstop and Randy Johnson, Kevin Brown and Mike Mussina are all getting old.

Bernie Williams will record 24 putouts in 143 games as the starting center field.

Prediction: 81-81

Boston
98-64 (.605) Wild Card Winner

Inspired by their victories over the Yankees, the communist forces of Mother Russia, Hitler and a terrifying new strain of small pox, the Red Sox will have a torrid start to their season, ripping of thee straight victories over their hated rivals. However, it will soon become apparent that the only team the Sox can be inspired to beat is the New York Yankees.

The inability to use Dave Roberts in late-inning base-running situations will lead to catastrophic losses to the lesser minions of the American League. Johnny Damon will cut his hair in an attempt to break the voodoo curse and Curt Shilling will launch three new political parties to distract reporters.

Finally, Commissioner Selig will step in and demand that Peter Angelos forfeit his team’s remaining games for a undisclosed sum of money in order to give the Red Sox a shot at the wild card in what (by my estimations here) shakes out to be the tightest post-season race ever.

Prediction: 81-81

Baltimore / Tampa Bay / Toronto
2004: 215-269 (.444)

According to the media sources I use to research baseball, there are no other teams of significance in the American League East.

Prediction: 243-243